Margaritaville

 

This is probably stupid…but when I had a BeautiControl spa party back on July 20 (I remember because it was the last thing I did that I considered birthday celebration related, haha) I got the BC Margarita Party Set – foot scrub, foot crème, body lotion and lip balm, all of which smells like a delicious margarita. Seriously, if I didn’t know any better I would stick the end of the tubes in my mouth and EAT THIS STUFF because it smells so wonderful.

 

I think I will always associate that smell with our first anniversary. I remember getting ready for dinner at a winery with a little restaurant inside and going into the bathroom in our hotel room and slathering myself in the lotion before I put on my pretty summer party dress, and using the lip balm before and after we ate.

 

It will always remind me of how our table was in the perfect place on the deck, far enough away from the speakers that the live band didn’t make us want to die…how the temperature was PERFECT and there was a nice breeze… It will remind me of the chicken cob sandwich I ate, the LandShark beer my husband drank, how effortlessly handsome he is and how he looked at me that evening…It will remind me of how I breathlessly giggled as I turned down the wine at the winery, knowing I was probably pregnant (my boobs were sore and starting to get big and I just had “that feeling”)… It was such a great evening overall, made all the more magical by the secret knowledge that something was happening in my body.

 

Yeah…I would definitely go back to that, as long as I didn’t know what would happen a few short weeks later.

 

A few things:

 

1.       Well, the bill I got the other day may be taken care of. A mistake on the claim that the physician group submitted is to blame. I’m waiting for them to fix it. Maybe I won’t have to pay after all.

 

2.       Now, I’m going to just put this out there, knowing full well that it’s been called one of the worst shows on television and knowing that sometimes people who watch it are perceived as dumb, but our little family regularly watches America’s Funniest Home Videos. In fact, we watch it just about every Sunday night. I would even go so far as to say that it’s one of my favorite shows because, really, it’s nice to be able to laugh at other people’s stupidity, or mishaps, or cute kids, or hilarious things that pets do, and for the hour that I’m watching AFV, I’m not stressing out or thinking about sad things and whatnot.

So anyway. One of my favorite things in the world will now always be tied to one of my darkest days. On August 16^th, after I forced myself to eat the cold burger and melty milkshake, I trudged from the bed into the living room and plopped down on the couch with my husband and we watched America’s Funniest Home Videos. This does not seem like such a bad thing except that if you’ve ever watched an episode of AFV, you know it’s to the top with videos of babies doing cute or funny things and, well, perhaps four hours after you’ve found out that you’re losing your baby, videos of cute and funny babies is not something you should watch.

I was thinking of this last night as I watched AFV from the kitchen as I was making taco soup and a video of a toddler girl pressing her face against a glass window played. Even four months later, it makes me a little sad.  

 

3.       I hosted a small Scentsy party Friday evening, and my friends were sort of perplexed as to why all of the soda in the fridge was caffeine-free and why I make decaf tea and don’t drink coffee unless it’s decaf. I felt I had no choice (I’m a terrible liar anyway) but to explain that I’d given it up last May in order to prepare for having a baby. The Scentsy rep, who I have only known a short time but already adore, and my Granny, didn’t know about my miscarriage and started talking about how caffeine consumption can lead to miscarriages.

Now, see, I can type miscarriage on this blog, and email the word…for some idiodic reason I can’t bear to say it aloud and when I hear it, it sort of makes me cringe a little on the inside. So, to hear these two ladies throwing it out there so freely was a tad too much for me. I noticed that I had stopped making eye contact and fell silent. It was like I couldn’t talk even if I’d wanted to. And what would I say? “Oh, well, I gave up caffeine and still miscarried.” No…I don’t know.

I thought I was doing everything right – exercising, eating healthy, giving up caffeine and taking prenatal vitamins and an iron supplement…and it still happened to me.

 

4.       I feel like I’m in a very thick fog. Okay, some days are stellar and others are crap. Some days I feel like I’m over it and don’t think about it at all. But there are days, weeks, when I can’t help but go there, to my sad place, and sit down and get comfortable. It’s up and down, round and round, and I try to do it quietly so that no one knows or is bothered or made uncomfortable by my sadness because, really, no one wants to be around a sad person. It’s just no fun. I feel forgotten, lost, unloved, and alone. I know I’m none of those things, but no one remembers (or seems to remember) what happened but me.

 

 

 

It hit me like a 2x4

Over the weekend I worked a craft fair with my mother, who, at one point, mentioned taking a trip out of state. As soon as the word “Why” left my mouth, I knew the answer and wished I hadn’t asked. My brother’s ex-girlfriend is having her ultrasound in a few weeks.

SLAP to the face.

To make it even better:

The hospital charges for my ER visit was $950 and my insurance paid for all but $200, which was fine. I could live with that. But the other day I received a bill for $415 (due on Dec 15) that is for the doctor. Apparently they do the facility and physician billing separately. According to the statement, they had tried to bill my insurance, but the claim was denied (I don’t understand why!?). I was so angry.  And then it was like I was reliving the entire ER visit, and just being upset about the whole experience. UGH.

So, while they didn’t completely ruin the holiday weekend, those two things certainly didn’t help.

 

What I'd Say

It’s really difficult not to think about the fact that this would be my 20^th week of pregnancy.

 

I know a couple of men whose wives are pregnant, and while I’m happy for them, I’m really tired of seeing their enthusiastic Facebook posts about how everything is...Great! Super! So exciting!

 

The thing about it is…I desperately want to be happy for them. I am happy for them, but it still stings…a lot more than I realized before this morning. One husband posted about his wife’s symptoms and how he’d gladly bear them for her if he could.

So in addition to thinking about where my body would be right now, and how our baby would be growing (and that we’d find out soon if it were a boy or girl)…I am now thinking about Mr. Me, and how he would be acting if his wife had a baby in her belly…How he would be excited and worried about me all the time.

 

I realize it’s pointless to think about all of this, but like I said…it’s so difficult not to.

Hope floats.

Last night I got to hold a precious, tiny, 3-month-old baby girl. I even got her to smile and coo.

It felt so good to hold a baby. Her little head fit right in the palm of my hand, and her tiny little bottom in the palm of my other hand. All I could think was…This could have been ours in a few months.

But I heard a small voice whisper, “It will be, soon enough.”

 

I don’t know if it will be months or years…but I will be ready, and I refuse to let anything stop me from sincerely and absolutely believing that it will happen.

 

But I’m also a bit of a realist. So if it doesn’t…

^“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.”
Romans 8:28

…then that just means that God has something else in mind for us.

When I think about what happened three months ago.

…I can’t help but think about how things would be if it hadn’t happened.

I would be about 19 weeks pregnant now. Almost halfway. About 4 ½ months left before we could meet our precious baby. Would I have a belly yet? Most likely. Would I be playing “Fat? Or Pregnant?” or would it be an obvious baby bump? I’d be sleeping on my side and not my stomach, that’s for sure. Would I be as sick as I was with my firstborn (seriously, I threw up about 7 times a day)? We’d be finding out if Baby Appleseed was pink or blue in the next week or so. Then we could paint the nursery and start buying up all the cute clothes we found.

But none of that is happening or going to happen.

No. The only thing in my body right now is my own blood and bones, muscles and organs.

I’m hopeful for the future, but sometimes that hope is just a tad slippery. Today, at least, I find I’m losing my grip on it.

Time goes by so slowly.

Yes…It has been a long time since I posted. What a great support group I turned out to be!

I doubt anyone is even reading this anyway, but in case there is some person out there burning with curiosity…I made up some FAQs to cover the time that’s passed since my last post.

Q. Why haven’t you posted in so long?

A. Because I am lazy. Actually that’s not true. Sometimes life gets in the way of things we want to do, doesn’t it? This is what has happened.

Q. Are you still sad about your miscarriage?

A. Yes. This coming Monday, the 16^th, will mark three months since we lost our baby…And it is sad! So sad. But is it completely controlling me anymore? No. A resounding no.

Q. Is it hard to be around pregnant women or newborns?

A. Not so much anymore. About five days after my miscarriage, when I was still in shock and overwhelming grief, we had to go to dinner with my husband’s sister and her family. At the time her daughter was about two weeks old. I couldn’t look anyone in the eye at dinner, and I cried the whole way home. I’d never been so…paralyzed…by my emotions. A work friend’s baby shower was this afternoon, and of course I am thrilled for her. As I happily watched her open gift after adorable gift, I started to think, “This would have been ME in a few months!”…But I know I can’t let that control me, my thoughts, my emotions. The baby shower today was bittersweet. As the gifts were passed around so we could all ooh and ahh over them, I touched every blankie and cute outfit and thought…There’s going to be a little person in these! I would be lying if I said that I didn’t think about our little person in that moment.

Q. Are you planning to get pregnant again soon?

A. Ahhh. Everyone at work (other than the three people who know what happened) keeps pestering me about us having a baby. I want to punch them. Are we planning on it now? NO. Eventually? Most likely.

With that, I’ll leave you for now. I’ll try not to wait so long to write next time. I still have things to say.