It hit me like a 2x4

Over the weekend I worked a craft fair with my mother, who, at one point, mentioned taking a trip out of state. As soon as the word “Why” left my mouth, I knew the answer and wished I hadn’t asked. My brother’s ex-girlfriend is having her ultrasound in a few weeks.

SLAP to the face.

To make it even better:

The hospital charges for my ER visit was $950 and my insurance paid for all but $200, which was fine. I could live with that. But the other day I received a bill for $415 (due on Dec 15) that is for the doctor. Apparently they do the facility and physician billing separately. According to the statement, they had tried to bill my insurance, but the claim was denied (I don’t understand why!?). I was so angry.  And then it was like I was reliving the entire ER visit, and just being upset about the whole experience. UGH.

So, while they didn’t completely ruin the holiday weekend, those two things certainly didn’t help.

 

What I'd Say

It’s really difficult not to think about the fact that this would be my 20^th week of pregnancy.

 

I know a couple of men whose wives are pregnant, and while I’m happy for them, I’m really tired of seeing their enthusiastic Facebook posts about how everything is...Great! Super! So exciting!

 

The thing about it is…I desperately want to be happy for them. I am happy for them, but it still stings…a lot more than I realized before this morning. One husband posted about his wife’s symptoms and how he’d gladly bear them for her if he could.

So in addition to thinking about where my body would be right now, and how our baby would be growing (and that we’d find out soon if it were a boy or girl)…I am now thinking about Mr. Me, and how he would be acting if his wife had a baby in her belly…How he would be excited and worried about me all the time.

 

I realize it’s pointless to think about all of this, but like I said…it’s so difficult not to.

Hope floats.

Last night I got to hold a precious, tiny, 3-month-old baby girl. I even got her to smile and coo.

It felt so good to hold a baby. Her little head fit right in the palm of my hand, and her tiny little bottom in the palm of my other hand. All I could think was…This could have been ours in a few months.

But I heard a small voice whisper, “It will be, soon enough.”

 

I don’t know if it will be months or years…but I will be ready, and I refuse to let anything stop me from sincerely and absolutely believing that it will happen.

 

But I’m also a bit of a realist. So if it doesn’t…

^“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.”
Romans 8:28

…then that just means that God has something else in mind for us.

When I think about what happened three months ago.

…I can’t help but think about how things would be if it hadn’t happened.

I would be about 19 weeks pregnant now. Almost halfway. About 4 ½ months left before we could meet our precious baby. Would I have a belly yet? Most likely. Would I be playing “Fat? Or Pregnant?” or would it be an obvious baby bump? I’d be sleeping on my side and not my stomach, that’s for sure. Would I be as sick as I was with my firstborn (seriously, I threw up about 7 times a day)? We’d be finding out if Baby Appleseed was pink or blue in the next week or so. Then we could paint the nursery and start buying up all the cute clothes we found.

But none of that is happening or going to happen.

No. The only thing in my body right now is my own blood and bones, muscles and organs.

I’m hopeful for the future, but sometimes that hope is just a tad slippery. Today, at least, I find I’m losing my grip on it.

Time goes by so slowly.

Yes…It has been a long time since I posted. What a great support group I turned out to be!

I doubt anyone is even reading this anyway, but in case there is some person out there burning with curiosity…I made up some FAQs to cover the time that’s passed since my last post.

Q. Why haven’t you posted in so long?

A. Because I am lazy. Actually that’s not true. Sometimes life gets in the way of things we want to do, doesn’t it? This is what has happened.

Q. Are you still sad about your miscarriage?

A. Yes. This coming Monday, the 16^th, will mark three months since we lost our baby…And it is sad! So sad. But is it completely controlling me anymore? No. A resounding no.

Q. Is it hard to be around pregnant women or newborns?

A. Not so much anymore. About five days after my miscarriage, when I was still in shock and overwhelming grief, we had to go to dinner with my husband’s sister and her family. At the time her daughter was about two weeks old. I couldn’t look anyone in the eye at dinner, and I cried the whole way home. I’d never been so…paralyzed…by my emotions. A work friend’s baby shower was this afternoon, and of course I am thrilled for her. As I happily watched her open gift after adorable gift, I started to think, “This would have been ME in a few months!”…But I know I can’t let that control me, my thoughts, my emotions. The baby shower today was bittersweet. As the gifts were passed around so we could all ooh and ahh over them, I touched every blankie and cute outfit and thought…There’s going to be a little person in these! I would be lying if I said that I didn’t think about our little person in that moment.

Q. Are you planning to get pregnant again soon?

A. Ahhh. Everyone at work (other than the three people who know what happened) keeps pestering me about us having a baby. I want to punch them. Are we planning on it now? NO. Eventually? Most likely.

With that, I’ll leave you for now. I’ll try not to wait so long to write next time. I still have things to say.