Emotional Eating Wins Again!

Today there was a baby shower at work.

I went, I stayed for a few minutes, held the baby (they waited for the shower until after the birth because Mom and Dad wanted the gender to be a surprise), then I had to come back to my desk. I feel kind of guilty for saying that I am kind of glad I got out of there. I just hate how everyone is always “SO WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE ONE!?” and “Doesn’t this just make you want a baby!?”

If they only knew! But I’m really good at faking it when I need to, so it was natural for me to just smile and laugh and kind of play (coyly) along with everyone.

I ate too many M&Ms, too many mixed nuts, and while I had intended to only eat the top half of my cake (you know, the part with the frosting), EE got the best of me and I snarfed it all down. And I don’t even care.

---

In TTC news, well, we’re TTC again. I have been taking ClearBlue Easy ovulation tests every day. There’s a different pee stick every day for 20 days. The pee sticks click into a digital “reader” and if the proper hormones are present in the urine, the reader shows a little smiley face. No smiley face on my pee sticks yet. But if anyone was watching me do these things in the morning, I’m sure they’d get a kick out of it. I stumble to the bathroom, half asleep, fight with the package of the little tester stick, fumble trying to get it “clicked” into the digital reader thing, and by the time I get all that done and start pulling my panties down to sit on the toity, I’m literally about to wet myself.

Baby blue.

I didn’t realize it had been so long since my last post.

I don’t know why it matters; no one is reading anyway.

For some reason, I’ve really been struggling again this week. It’s frustrating because I keep thinking that I’ve been able to let go, only to find out that, nope, my grip is as tight as ever.

Actually, part of the reason is that I spent all of last week thinking I might be pregnant again. I was starting to get sort of excited. Last Friday night, my sister-in-law and her family were over and I held their 7-month-old girl, gave her a bottle, watched her sweet little face as she ate, her eyelids getting heavy as she got “milk drunk,” almost falling asleep and flashing a sleepy, milky little grin when the bottle was empty. I was thinking, this will be our baby in a few months. Then, a little while later, I went to the bathroom and discovered that nature’s pregnancy test was showing a big fat negative. Stupid. Period. JERK.

Sunday, we had a baby shower for our pastor and his wife, who adopted a newborn baby boy a month ago. I was completely fine with it until just before it started, when I got choked up over something else. Once the tears came (for something COMPETELY unrelated to babies), I had to excuse myself to the ladies room, and I couldn’t make them stop. My string of thoughts went from the thing that had made me cry in the first place to “OH CRAP, there is a baby shower today” to “OH CRAP, I just started and I am not pregnant” to “OH CRAP. REMEMBER that miscarriage a few months ago!?”

I would be 35 weeks this week. My belly would be touching my keyboard tray right now. I’d have to scoot my chair way back.

I hate having to pretend to be “okay” all the time. Okay with my job. Okay when I’m angry. Okay when other people’s big, pregnant bellies are in my face. Okay when someone asks me to hold their baby. Okay at baby showers. Okay giving my 7-month-old niece her bottle. Okay with everything else.

I don’t want my life to be just “okay.”

I’m trying really hard to CHOOSE happiness, and some days I am successful at it. This week has just been difficult.