When I think about what happened three months ago.

…I can’t help but think about how things would be if it hadn’t happened.

I would be about 19 weeks pregnant now. Almost halfway. About 4 ½ months left before we could meet our precious baby. Would I have a belly yet? Most likely. Would I be playing “Fat? Or Pregnant?” or would it be an obvious baby bump? I’d be sleeping on my side and not my stomach, that’s for sure. Would I be as sick as I was with my firstborn (seriously, I threw up about 7 times a day)? We’d be finding out if Baby Appleseed was pink or blue in the next week or so. Then we could paint the nursery and start buying up all the cute clothes we found.

But none of that is happening or going to happen.

No. The only thing in my body right now is my own blood and bones, muscles and organs.

I’m hopeful for the future, but sometimes that hope is just a tad slippery. Today, at least, I find I’m losing my grip on it.