Baby blue.

I didn’t realize it had been so long since my last post.

I don’t know why it matters; no one is reading anyway.

For some reason, I’ve really been struggling again this week. It’s frustrating because I keep thinking that I’ve been able to let go, only to find out that, nope, my grip is as tight as ever.

Actually, part of the reason is that I spent all of last week thinking I might be pregnant again. I was starting to get sort of excited. Last Friday night, my sister-in-law and her family were over and I held their 7-month-old girl, gave her a bottle, watched her sweet little face as she ate, her eyelids getting heavy as she got “milk drunk,” almost falling asleep and flashing a sleepy, milky little grin when the bottle was empty. I was thinking, this will be our baby in a few months. Then, a little while later, I went to the bathroom and discovered that nature’s pregnancy test was showing a big fat negative. Stupid. Period. JERK.

Sunday, we had a baby shower for our pastor and his wife, who adopted a newborn baby boy a month ago. I was completely fine with it until just before it started, when I got choked up over something else. Once the tears came (for something COMPETELY unrelated to babies), I had to excuse myself to the ladies room, and I couldn’t make them stop. My string of thoughts went from the thing that had made me cry in the first place to “OH CRAP, there is a baby shower today” to “OH CRAP, I just started and I am not pregnant” to “OH CRAP. REMEMBER that miscarriage a few months ago!?”

I would be 35 weeks this week. My belly would be touching my keyboard tray right now. I’d have to scoot my chair way back.

I hate having to pretend to be “okay” all the time. Okay with my job. Okay when I’m angry. Okay when other people’s big, pregnant bellies are in my face. Okay when someone asks me to hold their baby. Okay at baby showers. Okay giving my 7-month-old niece her bottle. Okay with everything else.

I don’t want my life to be just “okay.”

I’m trying really hard to CHOOSE happiness, and some days I am successful at it. This week has just been difficult.