It’s been a difficult couple of weeks. Several people – at least five that I can think of – have announced their pregnancies. While these are people I like and care about and I genuinely want to be happy for them, it still stings to hear and see them being all excited…It’s hard not to think “We never got to share that excitement with anyone.”
And then, on top of that, my brother’s girlfriend’s baby shower is tomorrow. I am helping. Not sure how I feel about it. And she’s having a c-section on Monday, the 19th. My best friend said that would give me time to get ready. But I’m not sure I’ll be ready until it’s over. I’m glad it’s not next Thursday. That was my due date. I’m also glad it’s happening on a Monday – I will have to go to class immediately after work. We’ll have counseling the next night. Assuming they go home Wednesday, I might get to skip the hospital altogether. I hope that being a little thankful for that doesn’t make me a jerk.
It’s not that I’m not happy for them, but it’s so hard to see my mom go crazy and be excited when I know that if It hadn’t happened, I would be going into labor literally any day now. I know that obviously my baby wasn’t supposed to be born this week or next, or I’d be sitting here with a giant belly and bad heartburn. It’s just hard not to think “it should be this certain way because that’s how it was supposed to be originally”…It’s so hard to not think about the things I didn’t get to do or have…like, how I know FIVE people who have announced their pregnancies in the last like, two weeks and I just think “I didn’t get to tell anyone,” and “no one got excited for us.” It’s stupid to dwell on it but…it’s there.
Some weeks, it’s like I’m reliving August 16th over and over.
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