Tears on my pillow*

So, Saturday’s baby shower was fine. I had a rough start, mostly due to not being able to disguise my emotions well enough and it upsetting my mother. But after a little while I was able to fake smile my way through it. It wasn’t as horribly uncomfortable as I had imagined, but it wasn’t exactly my idea of a stellar afternoon.

Friday evening I went out to buy a couple more outfits to go with my gift. I felt a little stupid for feeling so melancholy, but the whole time I was looking at baby clothes, I couldn’t stop the barrage of thoughts about what it would have been like to have been shopping for my baby. Would Austin be there with me? Would we sigh and smile at the cute little outfits? Would we be shopping for a boy or a girl? I picked out some cute girly outfits for their baby and then perused the clearance rack and found a gender-neutral set of footie pajamas, size 3 months, and bough them for our baby would-be and/or future baby. I went home and cried so much that I had to change the sheets on our bed because of my mascara running off onto them (but, I needed to change the sheets anyway, SO..)… I still feel a little stupid for being so emotional over the whole thing, but, there you have it. I had been doing mostly well for a few weeks up until that point, so I think twenty-minutes of violent sobbing while alone in my own bed are acceptable. Right?

 

*As an aside, completely unrelated to miscarriage: This song will forever remind me of a boy named Michael Salisbury, three years my senior and from Kentucky, with whom I had a brief but sweet summer fling (at a Baptist church convention!) when I was 15. Those were awesome kisses at the time, although I can honestly say (and not just because I am obliged) that my husband’s kisses are much, much better. :) The reason for the connection between him and the song is that we heard it on an oldies station and he made up some alternate words to it – “Tears on my pillow, food in my hand, if I don’t drop this sandwich, I’ll be an even bigger man.” So. Ha. Ha. Ha.